Forewarning: This is very much TMI. That being said, read it. It’s hilarious as hell.
Here are a few details that you should know. My dog, Baya, she likes to chew things. She especially likes to chew anything that my vagina touches. I’ve lost many a pair of pretty (and EXPENSIVE!) VS panties to the destruction that my tiny little rat of a dog’s mouth brings. And this is why she’s not allowed in my room. So, of course, she takes it upon herself to sneak in whenever I’m not looking.
And now for the story. Last night, SC and I were laying in bed when the mood struck. And by that I mean that pretty much every night before bed we have sex. Because I like sex. If you don’t know this about me already, you should probably just leave. Or go read 5 random old posts and I bet at least one of them has to do with sex. Anyway. Sex Sex Sex.
So we’re in the middle of a pretty heated session and, well, sometimes (read: a lot) I like it a little rough. And sometimes the condom slips off because apparently my vagina has a death grip. And yes, of course there’s a condom. ALWAYS USE A CONDOM KIDS!
So I dig my fingers in there and pull it out and toss it across the room. Who the fuck cares about a useless piece of rubber. Grab a new one. Don’t stop. All of that is running through my head, but nothing practical. Nowhere in there do I think about my dog. That’s just twisted.
So we finish up, with a new condom, and you know, go through the after sex routine. Bathroom, clean up, redress, throw away condom(s). Except, where the fuck is the condom that I flung into the middle of my floor somewhere?
That bitch Baya likes to chew her toys, food, stolen underwear, what have you in the hallway. So I, of course, assume it’s there. But it’s not. It’s not in the living room or the bathrooms or the kitchen or in the back yard. Which leads me to only one conclusion…
The fucking condom is in my dog’s stomach.
It’s probably as long as her entire intestines (intestine? intestines?). All I have to say is that I hope this doesn’t result in a trip to the vet. I can just hear it now, “Uh, yes, Ms. Bizzle? You see this x-ray here? That slightly see through tube looking thing appears to be a condom in your dog’s stomach.” Fucking awesome.
And after all that, when I picked her up to scold her? She licked my face.