Honestly.

The things that are on my mind tonight were prompted from a question I was asked to answer to enter to win an 8-week course from Jenny Blake called Make Sh*t Happen. Andrea Owen from Your Kick Ass Life interviewed Jenny and asked readers to weigh in: tell us your big dream and what you want and need to do to make it happen. This is what came spilling out of me:

I’m actually still on my journey to finding what my big, scary goal is. I just know that it’s not where I’m at. I’m settling in life and it’s making me antsy. I have my guy, but that’s about it. I’d love to start a family, but I’m not ready to give up my dreams of traveling across Europe. How do I make those things happen simultaneously? Most importantly, how do I get out of the debt I’m buried under AND fund my big dreams? I can’t see the path that’s in front of me. I don’t know where to go next.

I don’t know where this came from, honestly. This is my point. I’m not being honest with myself. There is this surface version of me that just wants to pay off my debt in small increments, live modestly, without any risk whatsoever, marry my guy, have a baby or two, and have BBQs with our family every few weeks to let off some steam. But somewhere deep down I know that this isn’t going to work for me. I’m going to get anxious. I’m going to feel trapped. I’m going to want out. Because I do, and always have wanted more. I want more out of life. Cue The Little Mermaid theme song.

I want to live my dreams. I see so many kick ass people out there doing EXACTLY what they want to do, and I wonder, why can’t I do those things? The thing is, I know I can, but I’ve been shot down so many times on my journey that I think I’ve given up. Somewhere deep inside, though, I’m still yearning to break free.

I just don’t see the next move on the chessboard. I can’t strategize this one into existence. I don’t know what steps to take to get there. It’s all so foggy when it used to be crystal clear. When did the haze set in?

And when did I push those desires so far down inside that I forgot they even existed? How did it come to this: sitting up past midnight wandering around the internet just to be prompted by a life coach (of all things) to look inside and these hidden gems just come spilling out; like they were waiting for this one little opening to be released from their hiding place. How did I get here? And where do I go? I’m so incredibly lost. And I don’t know where to even begin to find my way out.

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3 Comments

Filed under All About Moi, I Got 99 Problems.

3 responses to “Honestly.

  1. Maybe your audacious goal for now could be get out of debt and save for a trip?

    I relate because professionally, I have no idea what I want.

    Chin up.

  2. This is tough and I think seeing and hearing about so many amazing adventures through the blogosphere can be frustrating too. I feel left bend sometimes, like I’m nit doing enough. I think getting out debt should be your first step – pay that off first, and while saving and paying all that off, dream big and plan adventures.

  3. Pingback: Two Thousand Eleven: A Year in Review | Jennbizzle

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