Category Archives: I Got 99 Problems.

Prognosis: Unknown

On Saturday afternoon, around 10:30 am, I had just sat down to complete my paper for class that was due the same day (procrastination at it’s best!) when I started feeling a pain in my chest. This felt exactly the same way the pain felt when I would have gallstone attacks before I had my gallbladder removed three years ago. Since it’s been removed, I haven’t had any pain. Until Saturday.

In about five minutes, the pain went from “Ouch!” to

OHMYFUCKINGGODROLLINGAROUNDONTHEFLOORCANT
CATCHMYBREATHPLEASECALLANAMBULANCE.

When I first felt it, I sent a text to SC. He was working on a Saturday morning for inventory. Then I opened a new browser window and searched “gallbladder pain after gallbladder has been removed” or something to that effect. The page didn’t even load before I got a hot flash, felt nauseous, and ran to the bathroom. I broke out in a sweat all over my body and was literally writing in pain all over the bed and floor and everywhere. Next thing I know I’m on the phone with SC and I can’t speak. He’s asking me questions but my breathing is out of control. My hands started cramping up, I couldn’t even think.

While SC was driving home, I attempted to dress myself. I think I had already put my hair up in case I actually puked. He got me straight in the car and took me to the ER where we waited. And waited. Apparently chest pains don’t get you straight in to see a doctor anymore. At least not if you’re 24. And then when I finally did get in to a bed, I waited about an hour more before they even came to hook me up to an IV. They gave me morphine, took all these tests, sent me for an x-ray and EKG and we waited.

By around 3pm we were on our way out the door. The couldn’t find anything “emergently”  wrong with me so they discharged me and told me to see my primary. They also suggested I see my GI doctor who did the gallbladder surgery as well as my OB/GYN, as he might be able to set up a laporoscopic surgery to go in with a camera and look for scar tissue that may be causing a problem.

I got prescription for Prilosec (heartburn medicine) and Percocet (narcotic pain medicine). I can’t take narcotic pain medicine or I throw up. Half a Vicodin sent me into ten hours of heaving until the doctor had to prescribe me something to get me to stop because I was busting my stitches. Prilosec is what they gave me the first time I went to the ER before I found out I had gallstones. I’ve never had heartburn in my life. I’m taking it, but it’s not doing anything.

So what did I end up doing? I went to see my aunt, an ultrasound specialist. She told me that my surgery site looked good and I didn’t have any lingering gallstones. But she also told me that my liver is slightly larger than she’d like and my spleen is definitely enlarged. To her, this meant one of two things. There’s something wrong with my immune system. I may have a virus or a disease. To diagnose that, I’d need more tests done by my primary.

Another idea that she had was that I am projecting my stress inward and making myself sick. That my episode on Saturday may even have been an extreme panic attack. In that case, the solution would be to find a way to relieve my stress or I’d give myself an ulcer (there are none so far).

Either way,  I have to get a diagnosis first. I’ve got an appointment with my primary on Tuesday. In the mean time, I’m just dealing with the moderate pain that I’m in.

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Filed under All About Moi, I Got 99 Problems.

Protected: The Giving Up is the Hardest Part (DM or email for PW)

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Last year, on Memorial Weekend, SC and I flew to Massachusetts to a) see NYC with my Dad and b) drive my sister back to Cali to live here. She’d been wanting to move back to Cali ever since my Dad forced her to move to MA. It took her about 4-5 months, but it seemed like she was really adjusting to life here. She had a solid group of friends and she was dating someone.

Then she went back to MA for the holidays. As soon as she came home, things changed dramatically. There was always tension in the house and I felt like she was making it a point to avoid me at all costs. She made me feel like she was mad at me. I’m not sure if she was planning this before she left or not, but finally a week and a half into January, she let me know that she was moving back to MA in March. It was all decided. She had plans. I wasn’t included in any of it.

At first I was really angry and hurt. I’m still hurt. She didn’t even give it a chance here. She hasn’t lived here for a whole year. It took her 4-5 years to even admit that she didn’t completely hate living in MA. I feel like I took huge risks with my Dad and my Papa to go through with helping her live here, because I thought it would make her happy. And now that it comes down to it, I’m being pushed out. Not to mention, my wedding. She’s my bridesmaid. And she’s moving across the country 5 months before I’m getting married.

Now things are very distant. She’s hardly home, she doesn’t even sleep here most nights. And when she is home, her room is completely shut up, like she doesn’t want anything to do with living with me. I have to ask her to do her dishes after a week and a half of them sitting in the sink. And I am pretty sure her room smells like weed. This went from being a great living experience, to totally horrible.

It’s like, what happened? How did she so completely change? And is she treating me the way my Dad treated me before he moved to try and “detach” himself from me? Because this is totally reminiscent of the 6 months before my father left. I feel rejected. And I feel like this might affect our relationship for a very long time. And that makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

3 Comments

January 20, 2013 · 2:07 pm

SVU Fantasies and Hostel Nightmares

So you want to know what happens when you get summoned to U.S. District Court FEDERAL Jury Duty? Oh, no? Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. Believe me, I wish I could tell you all the things about actually serving because I’d go all SVU on you. But I can’t. So you get this instead.

First what happens is, you call in the night before like any other jury duty. And then OF COURSE you have to appear, because you ALWAYS have to appear. So you call your boss and break the bad news. And then you call your manager, too. And you hear shit about leaving her all alone with incompetent people at work. And then you wake up at 5:30am and are out the door by 6:00am and still just barely get to LA to the courthouse (because federal court means you don’t get to go to your local courthouse) when you’re supposed to check in at 7:45am. So that means you don’t get to eat any breakfast. Oh, and you also didn’t have any coffee.

So then you get there and you sit through an hour of orientation and they start calling groups of people to go into court rooms. But your name doesn’t get called, because you never get called within a reasonable amount of time. So you sit and wait. And those people that were sitting all around you that got called like the stupid little people they are have now returned because they weren’t chosen. And it’s now been 4 hours and your name hasn’t been called.

And then it gets called with the largest group of potential jurors ever (40+) but the judge isn’t ready for jury selection yet so they tell you to go sit back down. And then you wait another hour and by now it’s lunch time but the court is ready so you have to answer the judge’s call. So the 40+ of you go down to the courtroom and jury selection begins. And because there’s FREAKING FOURTY of you, jury selection takes 3 hours. So by now it’s 3:30 pm and you haven’t eaten all day.

And then you get chosen, but you’re an alternate. So you have to sit through the whole trial, but you don’t get to have a say in the decision at all. And then the judge tells you to be back at 9:00am the next day. And then you realize that you’re going to have to drive 2 hours each way, every day until this thing is over. And you start to panic. So you ask for a comped hotel, but the rule is that you have to live more than 80 miles away from court, and map quest says you live 78 miles away. So you have to ask the judge to waive the rule for you. But you can’t actually TALK to the judge, so you have to talk to the clerk, who has to talk to the judge, who has to come back to you and tell you that the judge waived the rule, but they still have to clear it with the jury department. So you still have to drive all the way home and all the way back in the morning before you can stay in a hotel and be sure that it’s comped.

Only, they don’t comp hotels, they require you to pay for them and they reimburse you. Except you don’t have any money in you account. So you have to get an advance. And then you go to book a hotel from the comfort of your bed, only to realize that ALL THE CONVENTIONS are in town and the rooms are booked. So you find the first reasonably priced room that claims to have free parking, wi-fi, and a bed and you book it. But then you get to the hotel, and realize it’s more of a hostel. There are communal showers and toilets. So if you want to take a shower you basically have to lock yourself in a closet and hopefully you brought shower shoes because it’s probably as dirty as the public showers at Santa Monica beach. Oh, and the blanket on the bed is FULL of holes. And there’s no sink in the “closet” with the public toilet. The room smells terrible, and the whole thing is about the size of a king-sized bed. It also has a doorknob lock (the room key is an actual key, not a card), a deadbolt lock, and TWO of those little slidey hotel-lock things. That doesn’t make you feel more safe. That makes you feel like it’s likely someone will try to break into your room.

So you walk 12 blocks trying to find any hotel that’s willing to give you a better place to stay. But everyone’s booked solid (if you don’t want to pay hundreds of dollars, of course). Just when you’re about to give up, you call a hotel that told you they were booked yesterday. They have a room for you AND there’s a bathroom in it too.

But then you have to worry about canceling the “room” you already have booked. So you go to the front desk, and you talk to them. But of course, they can’t help you because you booked through an outside website. So you deal with the automated customer service center and you finally talk to a real person and you get put on hold for a billion minutes only for them to tell you to call them back in 15 minutes. So you talk to the front desk again and they tell you they talked to the lady you were talking to with customer service and they have to conform you didn’t actually USE the room (because who would?) before they can refund your money. So they confirm that and they check you out and you call customer service back (twice, because the first time didn’t work) to confirm the refund. And they actually refund you.

And then you finally get to the new hotel and you now have to pay $20.00 in parking for the day but it’s almost worth it because THIS ROOM IS TEN BILLIONTY TIMES BETTER even though it’s a pretty standard room. But it has a shower, and an air conditioner, and a desk, and a TV, and a fridge and a working sink and a microwave and a BLANKET WITHOUT HOLES and and and.

The moral of this story is that I got to serve on a jury, and I got a ton of exercise, and I got to (eventually) sleep in a reasonably safe and habitable building. Sometimes you have to work for your happy ending, I guess.

Honestly, I have never been called for Jury Duty before and I have super fantasies about Mariska Hargitay bursting into the courtroom with THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF EVIDENCE EVER. Or something. So I genuinely wanted to serve, I just want everything in life to be handled for me and to be paid on the spot. And to not have to drive 160 miles in a day. 

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Filed under I Got 99 Problems.

Spilling My Guts and Finding Out What it Means

I’m finally ready to go back to school.

There. It’s out. I can’t take it back. I’d like to start in the fall, though I know I’ve probably put it off for too long and missed a deadline. Aside from taking a class here or there with no real consequence or degree of difficulty, I haven’t been in school for over three years. I could have been done by now, people!

This, added with Brandy‘s post on teachers, has inspired me to finally get my shit together. But the reason that I’ve really put it off for so long is that I’m afraid to choose my next step. What do I really want to do?

I’ve always always ALWAYS wanted to be a jr. high school psychologist. That specific phrase has rolled off my tongue so many times I don’t even know what it means to me anymore. I was incredibly inspired by my school psychologist in junior high and I’ve always wanted to replicate his program. I even directly related these goals to my senior project in high school. And I was still convinced that it was what I wanted to do. So I went and got an AA in Arts & Sciences (because my CC didn’t have Psychology as a major).

But now, I’m not so sure. It’s just that I’ve changed. I’ve learned a ton more about life and while I know that in a perfect world this is exactly the kind of thing I’d love to do, I also know that we don’t life in a perfect world. First, I’d have to find something to establish my career after my B.A. and while continuing my M.A. The likely path, and one I’d ideally love, would be teaching. But teaching is hard, yo. And teaching in California? Nearly impossible on a thousand different levels. I know it would be fulfilling for me, but I also know that I feel like I’m setting myself up to have the soul sucked out of me. I don’t want to go into a degree program feeling like after it’s all over, the only things I’ll be left with are enormous debt I won’t be able to pay off with my chosen career AND I can look forward to getting my soul sucked as well.

Honestly, I’d continue on this path without further introspection if not for this little piece of me that’s nagging to look another direction. I’ve been dipping my toes in the wading pool of online communities for about three years now. I think my entire perspective changed when I went to BiSC for the first time in 2009. Since then, a small part of me has always been drawn to community management and social media. I could rock that shit. But, you know what?

I’m so incredibly scared of changing my life course. What will my family think? Will I be seen as a flip-flopper? Will it take me longer to complete my BA? Honestly, I know that these are kind of irrational questions. None of these things really matter as long as I come out of it happy. 20-somethings are always changing their minds, right? That’s what being young and living and LEARNING is all about.

I give myself good advice sometimes. All it takes is a little writing, getting it all out of my brain and slightly more organized. Suddenly everything becomes so clear. As you can tell, my gut is telling me to do one thing: to alter my goals. But my fear is holding me back.

I feel like this is a huge step, just getting all of this out there for myself. Now I know where I stand. And it’s not in education. I definitely don’t have a desire to be in school for the rest of my life. I’m ready to put my big girl panties on.

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Filed under All About Moi, College, I Got 99 Problems.

A Temperamental Mac (and Where Else I’ve Been)

Fellow bloggers, I’m back and ready for action. You see, around the time I posted last (in APRIL!) my computer started acting really funky. If you know anything about me, you know I’ve been putting up with my temperamental MacBook’s antics for, oh, about 4 years now. Yeah. I know.

The short story is that I took it to Apple, they told me it was “vintage” and wouldn’t even diagnose it. I think the genius had a hard time even looking at my poor old computer. But from what I’d told him, he said it seemed like it was the logic board and that there was really nothing to do but get a new one for upwards of 600 bucks. HI, might as well get a new computer for that much! And then I had it appraised on one of those “turn in your old electronics” sites and found out my computer was worth exactly $29.60. TWENTY NINE DOLLARS AND SIXTY CENTS. The whole thing.

And all of that basically led to me finally breaking down and buying a new MacBook Pro. It’s a beauty, peeps. I really can’t believe I’ve been functioning on that old piece of junk for FOUR YEARS! I may as well have had an ACER or something, the difference is that significant.

So now that I’m back up and functioning like a normal internet addict again, (SC says I’ve been such a sad puppy these past few months) I’ve got TONS of content coming up. This is mostly due to the fact that I went to Vegas last month for Bloggers in Sin City and wasn’t even able to post one freaking picture on Facebook afterwards, let alone write a single post. And in previous years, I’ve written a 3-post and 5-post series, respectively. I’m working on getting caught up. Be a little patient and I promise it’ll be worth it.

You guys, this computer is so soft. I just want to pet it all damn day.

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Filed under I Got 99 Problems.

Spoken Blog

Nicole came up with the crazy idea that we might actually be able to hear each other’s voices in our writing, if we just recorded them. Who would’ve thought? (also: why didn’t I think of that?) So anyway, she recorded her own Spoken Blog (even though it doesn’t at all showcase how FAST she actually talks) and I decided I’d record one, too.

So here it is, Two Great Loves originally written on January 20, 2011:

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Filed under All About Moi, Blogosphere, I Got 99 Problems., Relationships, SC, Spoken Blog, The Ex

I’m scared to say I’m sorry.

Now that I’m back to spilling my guts, I guess I’ll talk about another thing I’ve been struggling with for a while. I miss Eric. He and I were good friends while I was casually dating his best friend who was a complete asshole to me. He was the buffer man, the guy that I was stuck with while his friend was off flirting with other girls. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time together. But he was a punk rock kid with a 12-inch mohawk and spikes on the shoulders of his patched up jean vest. I wasn’t interested. Little did I know, he was VERY interested. He insisted that he take me out after his friend dumped me, little did I know that his friend had been encouraging him to “take me off his hands” for a while before that.

Before I knew it, I’d realized what a sweet guy he was and he treated me amazingly. He has always treated me amazingly. Even when we were only friends, I always felt like the only important person in his world. We dated a few times, and I loved him. I just wasn’t in love with him. He wasn’t the right guy for me. And I think it took him a lot longer to realize that than it took me. So I hurt him. We stopped talking for a long time. But eventually, we came back to friendship.

He moved in to my spare room for a few months. But he was having a hard time financially and that put an incredibly strain on our friendship. I wanted to help him, I wanted to talk him through it and figure it out. But I was the one taking most of his money every month for rent, so I couldn’t be that person. And when I was lying to my grandpa and getting caught up in his mess because I thought I was helping him, I ended up resenting him. I no longer wanted him in my life. He hurt me incredibly.

But while I was in pain for a while, I got over that hurt. And now there’s just this gaping hole in my life where he used to be, one of my very best friends. Only, I’m sure I hurt him too. And I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and apologize for that. Because I don’t know that I’m sorry. I don’t know that I feel like I did anything wrong. Aside from mixing money with friendships.

And I don’t know why I’m ashamed to feel this way, but I am. I haven’t talked to SC about this at all. It’s not that I don’t want him to know, I just don’t know what is keeping me from saying it.

I guess a little bit of me is afraid to have friendships with guys. Especially guys that I’ve been with in a more-than-friendly way. Especially guys that I can’t be around without playfully flirting with. That’s the kind of friendship Eric and I have. We flirt. It’s been harmless 99% of the time. But it has caused some conflict in the past with other men and women we’ve dated.

SC knows Eric. We were dating when Eric lived here. He knows the story. He knows how we act to a degree, except he mostly knew us when we were fighting. And I’m sad that we ever acted like that. I’m sad that it’s the only side of Eric that SC knows. I think they might get along really well. I’m just so scared to mess up this amazing relationship I have in any way. And I’m scared to say I’m sorry.

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Filed under Eric, Friends, I Got 99 Problems.

I know it’s been a while. I KNOW.

Hey, guys! Guess what? I’m ready to be friends again. Good, now that we’ve got that established, I have some major issues going on right now.

Okay, maybe I’m over exaggerating a tad but still. I need to get it out, peeps! I’ve recently been afraid of completely opening up like I used to because I know that SC reads this. I don’t really mind that he does, I’d rather have full disclosure. But there are some sensitive subjects that I’d rather just not talk about ALL THE DAMN TIME with him. Namely, my exes. He knows everything, but that doesn’t mean he needs to hear about every little time someone crosses my mind for whatever stupid reason.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can probably move on and start writing a little more. Here’s to hoping? I kind of like you guys, I don’t want you thinking otherwise.

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Filed under I Got 99 Problems.

Two Thousand Eleven: A Year in Review

In previous years, I’ve done a recap of my year in posts. I even wrote about the past decade of my life in 2010. This is my first one on this blog, but I’m excited to share my year with you!

 

 

 

 

I stepped away from my past and started this blog. I was ending a chapter and I needed a change. I couldn’t handle all the weight of my past relationships anymore. Because I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t write. It became a chore for me to even post. So I walked away. And then I came to a new place. A better place.

I talked about my two great loves, and compared them to Dawson’s Creek and Sex and the City. This is still one of my favorite life theories.

I made the last steps in getting over The Ex.

I ran a series about my five favorite things on a number of subjects called 5ives.

 

 

 

 

I went back to school to finish my transfer credits.

I had a naughty dream.

I ran a series on the Seven Deadly Sins. Pride, Envy, Wrath, Sloth, GreedGluttony, & Lust.

I showed you my California accent.

For some reason, I kept feeling things about the Ex. So I wrote about them.

And then I fell in love with SC.

 

 

 

I listened to some music and had a dream. It must have been uneventful. Either that or I spent all month having sex. Probably the latter.

 

 

 

 

SC turned 24 & his nephew was born.

I started participating in Ten on Tuesdays.

My dog ate a used condom.

My unconscious self worked on getting over The Ex.

I dreamt I was on a Bachelor spin-off show.

 

 

 

I became a Clever Girl.

That led me to post my very first giveaway! (And across an item off my Life List!)

I ranted about 5 fabulous ladies.

I went to Bloggers in Sin City 2011. There were sponsors. And swag bags. And I still can’t believe I wrote FIVE freaking posts about #BiSC.

 

 

 

I started reading Infinite Jest and a part of the Infinite Summer program that @writetoreach Ashley mapped out for us. Did you ever finish, Ashley?

I went majorly mushy.

The Ex Texts were really starting to cause problems.

I wrote about what turns me on to life.

I rehashed some old flings.

I cut my hair off!

I fell in love with all things post-apocalyptic. This obsession hasn’t ended. I’m on episode 5 of The Walking Dead, counting down the days until The Hunger Games comes out in March, and I’m still reading tons of books about the collapse of society.

 

 

 

 

At this point, I was still reading Infinite Jest. But I’m pretty sure I was behind. And completely positive that I was frustrated.

And then I dreamt the dream that inspired the most popular post I’ve ever written.It’s called “He was eye-fucking me during the whole performance.” Can you tell why it gets the most traffic?

SC broke his collar bone. Kaiser sucks ass.

 

 

 

 

I hardly blogged during the month of August because  was way too fucking busy recording vlogs every day for VEDA.

I did manage to post a sponsored giveaway for Sprayology.

SC and I vlogged together, It’s really adorbz. You’ll probably puke. There’s also an entire blooper reel dedicated to this shoot.

I finished Infinite Jest and I did it on time. (sidenote: I hated that book.)

 

 

 

 

Jenny Blake inspired me and I got overwhelmed.

I continued to post VEDA videos from the previous month because I was completely burnt out on the internet.

 

 

I turned 23 and SC got a new job and moved in and we went to Disneyland and I got a job at Michael’s and WHEW!

Nico, Hung, Ashley, SC and I had a VEDA meetup in Pasadena while Hung was visiting from Canada, eh?

 

 

The VEDA-ers put out a call for a time capsule themed video, and I responded.

My sister visited from MA and we made a huge tent out of sheets and clothespins and chairs and christmas lights and it was amazing. We also went to the L.A. Zoo and learned to shoot with a bow and arrows at the archery range in town (SC is basically Robin Hood).

I switched cell phone service providers (from AT&T a.k.a. the worst service ever to Verizon where I have not had a single dropped call in almost three months thankyouverymuch) and I got an iPhone 4.

I joined the #twookclub. We read The Scent of Rain and Lightning.

 

 

 

I baked a lot. Cherry Cobbler, TONS of cookies, and I made Cowboy Cookies in a jar as Christmas presents.

My sisters and I started a youtube channel called The Bert’s Bees.

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Filed under 5ives, All About Moi, Bloggers in Sin City, Clever Girls Collective, I Got 99 Problems., Infinite Jest, Life List, Music, SC, Seven Deadly Sins, Ten on Tuesday, The Ex, TMI, VEDA, VLOG